This year's Bulwer-Lytton contest results

OK, I haven't updated my blog in nearly four years, so I might as well kick this into motion again:

The latest Bulwer-Lytton contest winners have been posted. It’s the usual assortment of merriment and literary mayhem. The Bulwer Lytton contest is an annual contest where writers submit the worst first sentences for hypothetical novels. The winning entries can involve some measure of purple prose, vile puns, non-sensical allegories, and spurious declarations of romance. This years batch is at the following link:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2012win.html

The winning entry is funny, though a little bit gross. Still funny though.

“As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.”

The fantasy winner is funny. It’s the wordy thing that someone would write during a Nanowrimo session, where quantity of words written is more important than quality.
“The brazen walls of the ancient city of Khoresand, situated where the mighty desert of Sind meets the endless Hyrkanean steppe, are guarded by day by the four valiant knights Sir Malin the Mighty, Sir Welkin the Wake, Sir Darien the Doughty, and Sir Yrien the Yare, all clad in armor of beaten gold, and at night the walls are guarded by Sir Arden the Ardent, Sir Fier the Fearless, Sir Cyril the Courageous, and Sir Damien the Dauntless, all clad in armor of burnished argent, but nothing much ever happens.”

All you need is some characters with fancy three-and-four-word names, and references to the seventh sword of the seventh knight of the seventh king of the seventh kingdom of the seventh universe, and so on. 